Shrine Quest Velen Geralt Funny Line

Most of Geralt's Deadpan Snarker moments.

Emperor Emhyr: (if you choose to bow to him) I thought you bowed to no man.
Geralt: Didn't want to disappoint the chamberlain. We're friends.

The scene from the game-play trailer where Geralt and a scholar find a higher vampire in a sarcophagus:

Vampire: Is it 1358 yet?
(a beat as Geralt and the scholar stare at him in confusion)
Geralt: No. ^note The game takes place in 1272
Vampire: Then fuck off.

• Turns out that you can find him in the game...and repeatedly disturb him. Of course, he'll get mad, transform and fight you. ^note The quest is very well-hidden and obscure, pretty much requiring All There in the Manual to find it and almost qualifying as an Easter Egg given it was featured in a trailer.

What the-again?! Do you fucking plan to come knocking once an hour now? Enough!

Anytime Geralt and Sigi Reuven engage in Snark-to-Snark Combat. For instance, when Geralt asks why Sigi's trying to set him up with Triss, who asks in turn whether Geralt would believe it's "because I want what's best for you in life." All Geralt says is, "No."

• Another time is when Geralt snarkily asks Sigi what's crawled up his ass, and Sigi replies menopause. Geralt, in a rare case of Sarcasm Failure, asks if he knows men can't get menopause. Sigi almost explodes in anger because Geralt felt the need to ask that.
• When Geralt tries to get information on Dandelion's whereabouts, Sigi goes into Sarcasm Mode at its finest.

Geralt: Listen, Dandelion is missing. Any idea what might've happened to him?

Sigi: Same thing that happens to anyone that steps on Junior's toes...

Geralt: Meaning?

Sigi: He's surrounded by splendid virgins who ply him with sparkling wine and pastries stuffed with nightingale tongues. [Beat] Come, Geralt, what do you think happened?! I reckon he's at the bottom of the Pontar, trussed up with the strings of his own mandolin.

Geralt: Lute.

Sigi: Far as I'm concerned, he might as well be rotting down there with a goddamn trombone.

• Sigi tells a runaway mage that tears only diminish her beauty. Geralt retorts Sigi mustve's cried a lot then. Sigi replies that nah, he was just born ugly.

On Temple Isle, in Novigrad, there is a priest who is also an alchemist. Geralt will inadvertently say the password ("that incense is making me nauseous") causing the priest to reveal his trade. Should you choose to make fun of his pass phrase, he goes off on a Cluster F-Bomb rant, wishing all sorts of unspeakable acts on Geralt's privates, before telling Geralt that if he snitches on him, he will do everything in his power to ensure Geralt is put on the pyre next to his, just so that he can blow on Geralt's so that he will go up in flames first. Geralt finds the whole rant amusing, and actually compliments the priest on his cursing, before asking to see his stock.

Geralt's uncharacteristic whining when he helps Triss clear a granary of rats.

Geralt: A master monster slayer in the largest city in the world...looking for rat shit. Sheesh.

During the prologue, when racing twelve-year-old Ciri down Kaer Morhen, Geralt will critique her breath-control while running, telling her to breath in place of her steps. She responds by breathing loud enough to hear, leading an annoyed Geralt to tell her to cut it out.

One of the main quests involves searching for a doppler named Dudu. Geralt and Priscilla have a plan to convince him to come out of hiding, and that is to create a play involving a doppler. And Geralt has to play as a witcher in it. (Specifically, he has to play himself.) You can choose whether it's a drama or a comedy. Not much different in either case besides the crowd's reaction, but Geralt's performance in both is... well... see for yourself.

• The best part is that he actually seems to like it a little bit. Guy does have a theatrical streak.
• Also, the lady who runs the troupe tells him his role in the play, which is a hilariously blunt Leaning on the Fourth Wall summary of what Geralt does 90% of the time anyway: turn up, look threatening, glare at everything and say curt stuff in a growly voice.
• Even just writing the play is hilarious.
  • Priscilla asks for Geralt's help only to run right over him with her ideas, never letting him speak.
  • When it actually gets time to write it she tells him to go sit and read and he complains that he was supposed to help and that it was his idea. She says he can help, only to tell him to be quiet when he suggests rhyme 'witcher' with 'itch her'.
  • Hours later Geralt is slumped in his chair, mouth half open, fast asleep. For someone who can meditate through thunderstorms it's hilarious.
  • Finally Priscilla excited explains the play but when Geralt asks about the secret message for Dudu (the whole reason they are doing this!) she reveals she completely forgot to include one... and she can't add it now as it would ruin the play. She truly is Dandelion in female form, alright!

The opening sequence involves Geralt helping train Ciri when she was younger at Kaer Morhen. She ran off to train by herself after Vesemir fell asleep teaching her about monsters from a highly detailed but dryly-written textbook. You can accept her apology or punish her. The punishment includes reading the entire book, appendices and all. She'd rather clean out the stables!

• Accepting her apology has Geralt tell her Vesemir's fake ultimatum: if she slips away from studying again, she'll be forced to eat a bowl of salted slugs. Ciri has a hilarious look of faux disgust on her face as she knows her foster-father is just pulling her leg.

Ciri: Ha ha ha! Eeewwwww!

Geralt: Exactly.

Before that, when Geralt reprimands her, saying: "think drowners or strigers will go easy on you because you haven't undergone the mutations?" And Ciri puts her hands on her hips and nods smugly.

The painting of Ciri that Emhyr has in his office. You might not laugh, given the circumstances, but it's undeniably funny. Ever seen a photo of a child forced to get dressed up for family photo day? Imagine that expression on a six- or seven-year-old Ciri in the puffiest, fluffiest, frilly white dress with pink bows, giving the painter a Death Glare over the fact that she's had to stand there for hours.

A particular armorer talks at some length on how his craft is Just Like Making Love, to the point where Geralt, in a tone of near-genuine concern, says, "Is this still about armor?"

The troll quest near Oxenfurt is like straight out of the Discworld novels. You run into a troll singing Northern military songs, and when questioned, you find out that he was drafted into the Redenian army. The soldiers told him to protect boats they had taken from peasants, but when the peasants came back for them, his attempts to gently nudge them and soldiers apart ended up killing every single one. He then got hungry and made some soup out of the corpses, and decided that since he's the only one around, he must now be the commanding officer. He then made fences out of the boats to keep the whole mess from happening again and wants Geralt to bring him paint to put the Redanian crest on them to make it official. If you do, he asks Geralt to paint it, and Geralt being no artist, the crest ends up looking like a cartoonish child's drawing. The troll's sincere enthusiasm and Geralt's deadpan delivery just make the whole thing a barrel of laughs.

• If Geralt convinces Trollololo to paint the crest instead, he actually does a good job — though he considers it "ooguly" and thanks Geralt for humoring him.
• Even better in that the Northern songs really are marching songs of the Polish Army.

Similarly, Fergus and Joanna's breastplates for a Nilfgaardian stand in stark contrast to each other. Joanna's is ornate and tough-looking while Fergus, having had Feet of Clay with Joanna as his "assistant", proudly presents a bog-standard design with a crudely-painted yellow sun in the middle of it.

A similar Troll-related quest happens on Undvik (in Skellige) - Geralt can challenge a pair of trolls to a riddle contest for a captive they're holding. Said captive is kept trapped in a pot of boiling water for the duration, so he's less than pleased by Geralt's solution.

• Afterward, he's literally steaming for the first part of his and Geralt's conversation, and declares he'll never go in the sauna for the rest of his life.

Continuing with trolls, after thieves blast their way into Sigi Reuven's ultra-secure vault, Geralt has to interview Bart, the troll guard, who was a witness. The troll gives a description of what he was doing before, then:

Bart: Boom!

Geralt: Boom? Can you elaborate?

Asking Vimmi Vivaldi if he plays Gwent sets him off on a short rant about how it's racist to assume he plays just because he's a Dwarf.

Geralt: So, you play or not?
Vivaldi: ...Aye, I play.

Entering a shop in Novigrad will let you hear the following:

Man: I want the most expensive thing you have. It's for my wife.
Shopkeeper: Oh, and for what occasion if I may? A birthday?
Man: That's the thing, it was yesterday.

When Geralt has to get Uma to Kaer Morhen, the little fella looks like he's having a ball riding in front of Geralt atop Roach. It's pretty hard not to crack into a grin at the silly picture it presents. Or at Geralt trying to hoist Uma into the saddle as Uma gets distracted by a nearby rat.

• Or when Geralt is forced to bring the diminutive monstrosity into Emhyr's presence.

When Geralt is heading up to meet Yennefer by the megascope in Kaer Morhen:

(there is a loud thump and an explosion of light)
Yennefer: Gods dammit, you piece of shit!
Geralt: Uh oh...

To assist Yennefer in fixing her megascope, Geralt gets a magical device and told to "grasp it firmly and move it around, and the louder it squeals, the closer you are." Geralt's expression is worth any punchline you can think of ◊.

The Snark-to-Snark Combat that Geralt engages in with his blood-brother and fellow witcher, Eskel, after meeting him again since the beginning of the series.

There is something inherently comical about Geralt standing by and nonchalantly eating an apple while Eskel autopsies the corpse of a vampire.

The many allies you can bring to your final fight involve the most unlikely pair (recruited separately): Vernon Roche and Letho . Roche is not pleased with this, especially because of the best comeback in the game:

Roche: Why would we need the kingslayer here?

Letho: Eredin's a king, isn't he?.

Roche: Fuck you both.

Dijkstra is Sophisticated as Hell:

Geralt: You wouldn't happen to have a bone to pick with Dandelion, would you?

Dijkstra: Course I do.

Geralt: You serious?

Dijkstra: Dead serious... Dandelion published a sonnet recently. Second stanza — the shit uses paired couplets instead of an inserted rhyme! Surely you understand how deeply offended the poetry lover in me was. The bastard shan't get away with it!

Geralt: I was being serious.

Dijkstra: As am I when I say I have no time to worry about your gigolo boyfriend!

• The extra funny lies in the fact that as Dijkstra is a surprisingly learned Count with a university education, and Dandelion is a terrible poet. Dijkstra probably believed every word of his criticism.
• Even more funny — Dijkstra is probably referring to the fact that Dandelion used the classic Petrarchan sonnet's rhyme scheme of CDCDCD (the paired couplets) rather than the accepted variation of CDEEDE (the inserted rhyme.) Dijkstra thinks Dandelion is conventional and boring. Poetry is Serious Business!

Geralt and Lambert have to run an errand for Yennefer which requires the use of a boat at one point. Because Lambert insists on steering, Geralt gets bored.

Geralt: This mist is as thick as curdled milk.
Lambert: Never took you for a poet.
Geralt: Oh, but I am one. Wanna hear a limerick?
Lambert: Sure.
Geralt: Lambert, Lambert — what a prick.
Lambert: Not bad.

• At one point, Lambert mocks the "Killing Monsters" trailer:

Geralt: Dunno who you're trying to impress. Tough-guy stuff's just not working for me.

Lambert: Heh, look who's talking. Vesemir told me about that job you did for those Nilfgaardians in Velen. "What... what are you doing?!" "Killing monsters." Ha ha, good one!

Geralt: (somewhat embarrassed) Just came out that way...

When you return to Kaer Morhen during the middle act of the game, it's entirely possible to ignore Yennefer's advice to go to bed early and get utterly and completely sloshed. Words don't do justice to this entire segment, it must be seen to be believed.

• It can include, based on player choices, Lambert impersonating their mentor Vesemir, Geralt drunkenly happy saying straight to Lambert's face: "You're an ass, but I really love you, brother" and a game of "I've never..."
  • One round of the game has Eskel say "I've never woke up after a party wearing only underwear." If Geralt opts to take a shot, Lambert mock-chides him asking what would Vesemir say if he was there. Geralt matter-of-factly replies that Vesemir would be taking the shot right with him.
• After said declaration of love (Geralt and Lambert are teary drunks, by the way) they break a bottle, realize Eskel isn't back yet, and decide to go look for him. With Witcher Senses. They find him asleep on the ground in the courtyard.

Geralt: (drunk) Spilled some wine, crawled through it, too.
Lambert: (also very drunk) You had to kneel down to see that?
Geralt: (matter-of-factly) If I had bent over I'd have puked!

• Made even funnier with the fact that Eskel is asleep next to his pet, a female goat named Lil' Bleater, and that he mentioned earlier that he likes his girls "with horns". Now put two and two together...

• They can play a round of cards, with Geralt joking that they'd play for coin, unless Lambert wanted a round of "strip Gwent", resulting in this line.

  Lambert: Why not. Playin' for coin, though, right?

  Geralt: Yeah... Unless you'd rather play strip gwent.

  Lambert: Maybe I'd finally come to understand what women see in you...

• Then the trio of drunk Witchers gets the brilliant idea to "invite girls who aren't Yennefer," Geralt, Lambert, and Eskel decided to dress up in Yennefer's clothes and start drunk-dialing on her megascope.

• The incantation Geralt drunkenly mumbles to activate the megascope, which turns out to be the number to dial if you want to contact the Hierarch of the Eternal Fire's private toilet:

Geralt: Caed'mill, bloedhe dh'oine ^note Greetings, bloody human, hocus pocus, abracadabra, Arse Blathana.

• When the incantation goes through, the Hierarch looks at them in confusion, before screaming for the guards, as he thinks the trio of drunken, cross-dressing witchers means that the Lodge of Sorceresses is actually coming after him!
• Everything ends with a thoroughly pissed Yennefer coming to see what the fuck is going on (in her underwear). Yen barks at the trio of drunken witchers and Geralt merely looks at her as if he was trying to piece together a line of bullshit to get out of his situation but is too damn drunk to think and/or care. The whole scene concludes with Yen telling them to go to bed like a very angry mother yelling at her rambunctious children.
• It should be noted that for much of this mission ("No Place Like Home"), Geralt's voice actor mostly abandons the emotionless, sarcastic tone the character usually adopts in favor of a drunk, happy Geralt.

Eskel acquits himself in the battle at Kaer Morhen. It's really badass. It is so badass you may or may not become aware that he spends the entire battle accompanied, for some reason, by his pet goat.

In the sidequest "Contract: The Oxenfurt Drunk" Geralt hunts Gael, a vampire, leading to drunken escapades, as said vampire prefers feeding on those with a high BAC, forcing Geralt to get drunk off his ass to lure it out. The bartender wisely has him pay in advance, and watching The Comically Serious stumble about Oxenfurt while singing a Drunken Song or two is hilarious.

Geralt: (slurred) Once was a maid from Vicovaro, tight at night, she'd be loose come 'morrow, early in the morning. Another maid from Vicovaro, ploughed with pleasure and drank with sorrow, till early in the morning. ^note This is apparently sung to the tune of "Drunken Sailor", but between the fact that the lines don't match the meter and Geralt's off-key delivery, it's anyone's guess.
Geralt: (suddenly sounding sober) Katakan didn't hear it. I'll try another verse.
Geralt: (slurred again) Our third maid was not demanding, gave it up to any man standing, early in the morning.
Geralt: (sounding like a kid, after someone complains about him) All right, all right, sheesh...

• When the vampire finally does show up he tries to sound threatening and menacing, but Geralt being, well, Geralt, and having had one too many drinks is not in the mood for that shit at all.

  Gael: (echoing) I sense your blood.

  Geralt: Come out and fight, bitch!

  Gael: (echoing) I shall drink your blood.

  Geralt: (more impatient) C'mon, cut the shit.

• Extra funny if you know that in one of the books, Geralt mentions that he's actually a decent singer and cites this exact song as the one he's best at.

If Geralt attempts to romance both Yennefer and Triss, they give him some well-deserved payback by inviting him for a threesome, only to walk out on him once he's cuffed to the bed. To add insult to injury, Dandelion is the one who comes to the rescue.

During the flashback to Ciri's time with the Baron and his men, if she shares that she's a witcher (or sort of one, at least), the one that asked immediately inquires if she knows of a potion that can help with a pinched behind. Judging by the reaction of his comrades, it's not the first time he's asked.

• In Ciri's first encounter with the Baron, she meets a little girl called Gretka, whom she protects from getting killed, and tries to protect her from from seeing the brutality that surrounds them. Unfortunately for Ciri's maternal streak, Gretka is clearly more curious and excited than horrified; when Ciri talks out loud about a dismembered horse and tells Gretka to stand back, Gretka dances on the spot in her enthusiasm to see it for herself, and when Ciri enters her big fight with a werewolf, she tells Gretka to hide. The next shot shows Gretka standing out in the open, waving her arms and cheering as Ciri advances on the monster.

Though the circumstances are ominous as hell, some children asked about Ciri will only help once Geralt plays hide-and-seek with them. The Comically Serious counting to twenty...

The entire quest to find Dandelion in Novigrad. It brings new justification to Dandelion's status as a ladies' man. First, you find out Dandelion inherited a brothel. Then you are forced to find him by tracking down his ex-lovers to ask. Zoltan and you have to split up two pages of names. What follows is a visitation to a washer woman, maid to a Baroness, a schoolteacher, the Nilfgaardian ambassador's twin daughters, and his cross-dressing elven tailor. With few exceptions, they all want him back, despite knowing his ways, and they point you to yet another lover in the bard Priscilla.

• The cross-dressing tailor, when he comes out in full make-up and dress, will mark the only time you will ever see Geralt gape like a fish.
• When hunting down Dandelion in Novigrad, Geralt can ask about Marabella, a former apprentice listed in Dandelion's little black book, yielding this gem.
  • Upon meeting her himself, it's painfully clear that she's somewhat... fixated on horses, centering all of her poetry on the topic.
  • Not to mention she demanded Dandelion calls her Anastasia, while she was to refer to him as Christian.
• When talking to Vespula (another name on the list), she mentions that Dandelion claims Geralt and Zoltan were the corrupting influences on him. ^note Note that this is the same Vespula who flower-bombed Dandelion in the "Eternal Flame" story of the second book (and threw all his possessions from the window at him, and later whacked him with a frying pan) some dozen years ago.
• The lies keep coming when you visit Molly, to whom Dandelion had bragged about his various daring rescues of Geralt over the years.
• In a bit of Black Comedy, Geralt learns from Elihal — Dandelion's cross-dressing elven tailor — that Kalkstein, the alchemist from the first game was burned at the stake, but managed to get the last laugh. He had magical flares hidden in his clothes and as he was burned they spelled to the sky: "Radovid sucks flaccid cock" (implying that not only does Radovid suck cock, he's not even any good at it). This may be a reference to Good Omens, which had a prophetess burned at the stake, but she had stuffed her skirt with gunpowder that morning.

One side-quest has Geralt encounter a fat Sylvan (basically a Satyr) who has convinced the local villagers he's a god. They give excessive sacrifices of food to placate him, and as a result the "Allgod" has a corporeal form that is also, as Geralt notes, corpulent.

In the side quest "Eye for an Eye", Roche enlists Geralt's help in tracking down Ves, who's about to impulsively ambush a squad of Nilfgaardians. When they get to her, Roche's What the Hell, Hero? moment turns into the equivalent of a father calling out his rebellious child.

Pretty much anytime Geralt encounters any oddity or behavior considered strange by general population, he keeps his calm and isn't surprised in the slightest. Then again, the man is nearly a hundred-years-old. He's seen quite a few things.

Baron: ...They say he's ploughing his goat.

Geralt: (completely unfazed) I'm not interested in his hobbies. I just want to ask him some questions.

• And upon meeting the soothsayer, the man refuses to give Geralt any help while his goat is lost, ^note though this is partially because he needs its milk to perform the scrying leading to this line.

• While leading Princess the goat back to the Pellar, Geralt suddenly starts talking to the thing.

Geralt: You're no Roach, but in time you and I could become friends. You have a quality every good Roach should have: you don't talk much.

• The goat gets distracted by patches of wild berries, meaning Geralt has to ring the most adorable tinkly bell to get its attention again. And then there's the other obstacle it faces...

Geralt: (as panicked as you'll ever hear him) Bear! Bear! Run, you stupid piece of shit!

• When the pellar hands Geralt the bell, he warns him to beware of wild strawberries and raspberries (foreshadowing the bear), to which Geralt reacts with this:

Geralt: Yeah, treacherous as beasts go. I always keep an eye out for 'em. *throws his hands up*

During the "Of Dumplings and Swords" quest, one of the odd jobs Geralt takes in Novigrad, leads him to settle a debt to get a bodyguard to Hattori. However, the merchant who owes the money claims he'll pay "when palm trees sprout on Skellige." ^note Which is basically fantasy Iceland. Solution? Using Axii and saying "Palm trees have already sprouted on Skellige." It works. To top it it's one of the very few times Geralt sports a grin, even if a real damn sarcastic one.

The side-quest "Of Dairy and Darkness", while a bit depressing because the mage was killed as part of the genocidal Witch Hunt going on in Redania, revolves around a Tyromancer — a mage that huffs cheese fumes to see the future. (Incidentally, this is a pre-existing field of divination in the real world, though it's more folk wisdom than anything like, say, the Tarot.)

• Made even funnier by a background conversation in Novigrad — he'd meant to sign up for necromancy at the college, but wound up picking Tyromancy instead.
• Another bit of humor in the quest, the mage's lair has several pockets of fetid air that Geralt must run through to complete the quest. The source of this foul air? Certain cracked domes which contain the mage's cheeses, which are so putrid they will bring Geralt to his ever loving knees if he stays in them too long.
• The entire quest ends with Geralt finding a unique sword, declaring "I will name you... The Emmentaler". Cue inventory pop up presenting your new sword... The Emmentaler.

In Novigrad, Geralt can take a contract to hunt down a doppler for a local merchant. When Geralt corners the doppler, it takes on his appearance before fighting. Geralt's response?

Geralt: Damn, I look old.

• The dopler, a thief, was also apparently so emboldened by his success that he took on the form of a giant humanoid cat. In broad daylight in a busy market. There's also the fact that the merchant believes the thief to be an imp, which Geralt dismisses outright as ridiculous. Because in a world of unicorns, dragons, griffons, and witches, imps are just silly fairy tale creatures.

When Triss suggests putting her in shackles to infiltrate a heavily-guarded outpost, Geralt can interpret it differently.

While at a Masquerade Ball with Triss, Geralt is sighted by a pair of female guests... who mistake him for a stripper.

• At the party, you find out that the hostess' husband was devoured by an Arachas — not while traveling, but because he'd tried his hand at breeding them.
• There's a couple guys playing in the fountain.

Fountain Guest: Aahahaaaa! I'm a kraken! Urrraaah!

Female Guest: My, is he ever sotted...

Fountain Guest 2: Stop whining and bring us shrimp and a trumpet!

• Geralt looks absolutely miserable when Triss tells him that he has to wear a doublet.

Geralt can do Dandelion a favor and dress up as a bandit to make Dandy look good in front of his ex-girlfriend, from whom he's trying to get a loan. Hilarity Ensues.

Geralt: (wearing a kerchief that barely conceals that he's a renowned witcher) Stop right there!

Sophronia: Wha...? What is this? Help! Save me!

Geralt: (reciting from Dandelion's cue cards) Tremble... flaxen-haired wench? Um... bow before the prince of thieves!

Dandelion: Not so fast! (wearing a garish party mask) Drop your sword, scoundrel! This is your first and last warning.

(Geralt face-palms magnificently as Sophronia turns away from him to see her "rescuer")

Sophronia: Dandelion!

Dandelion: 'Tis I. Though the scum of the city call me the Crimson Avenger!

• Geralt can also completely ignore the cards and say what comes to mind which won't even faze Dandy (unless you don't throw the fight).

Dandelion: Silence, criminal scum! You'll regret the day you were born!

• Take notice when Dandelion shows up donning his crimson mask. Geralt is facepalming in a "are you fucking kidding me?" way.

Another exchange between the two later is hilarious. After Geralt finds him banging on a door where a couple are fighting:

Dandelion: Why do beautiful women always end up with such dicks?

Geralt: (giving him a sideways glance) I have no idea.

To say Geralt and Yennefer have a volatile relationship at times is putting it mildly, especially if you deliberately try to get on her bad side. Annoy her enough when you meet her at Kaer Morhen, and she will give Geralt another reason to hate portals by dropping him in the lake half a mile away.

• Upon arriving at Kaer Morhen, you find out Yennefer, among other things, threw a bed out of the window. Vesemir and Geralt are both confused at first, mulling over that the bed was perfectly fine and that Triss actually liked — ... oh.
• Even later, if Triss was romanced, one of the first things out of her mouth is to ask if the bed is still there. Geralt breaks the bad news to her, and it doesn't even faze her as she says they'll just have to spread a few rugs on the floor...

The culmination of Geralt's romance with Triss has the pair having sex near a lighthouse fire as they watch the ship filled with aided mages sail away — said mages believe they're sending them a signal in Morse Code. Naturally, the "message" makes no sense.

• Turns into a Brick Joke right before the final battle, where in the midst of an emotional hug with Triss, Geralt can mention that there is a lighthouse nearby...

Triss: Geralt! Are you suggesting we-?
Geralt: No. Well, at least not right now...

Skellige, a group of islands with Proud Warrior Race Guy as their hat, obviously has fist-fighting, but the last two take the cake. Olaf turns out to be a literal bear, while the Champion of Champions is an "Errant Rock-Troll", and Geralt has to take down both with only his fists.

Near the end, Geralt and Ciri can vent some steam by trashing Avallac'h's laboratory. Yennefer just watches, bemused at their antics, but as they leave the camera pans upward, showing that she drew a mustache and beard on Avallac'h's portrait.

Madman Lugos' explanation for his nickname is to scream like a madman, followed by "That's why".

Geralt attempting to speak Troll language.

Geralt: Let me try again... Wham-a-wham mans again, I'll swish-a-swash-a-swunk you.

The drunk Kaedweni soldier Odrin from the second game is mentioned in at least one notice in every area.

• He's a wanted man in Nilfgaard controlled areas because he deserted after being enlisted in the army for two days. In that time, he ate and drank for an entire regiment before escaping out the latrine drainage system.
• The glorious bastard has on a global bar crawl lasting the entire game. Where's his spinoff already?

The patch notes for Patch 1.0.5 includes the entry "Deploys the Bovine Defense Force Initiative" as a response to the players who farmed cow hides in order to make lots of money. What is said defense force? A fucking level 27 Chort that instantly respawns on death. Upon discovering this, several players who were far past killing cows to make money returned and started killing them in order to fight an infinite number of Chorts for their drops, or just because they could.

The sidequest 'The Tower Outta Nowhere' involves a tower that has a self defense mechanism. The name of said mechanism? Defensive Regulatory Magicon, complete with a computer-esque voice spouting computer lingo! To bypass it, you have to use a book called Gottfried's Omni-opening Grimoire... Subtle.

• If you look at the book from the item menu ◊, it even has GOG.COM written on it. And it contains pure self aware comedy at its finest:

GOG book: "DRM thus makes for an extremely effective and near-unbreakable security measure — but you are in luck, for you hold in your hands the key to bypassing it, namely the present tome, Gottfried's Omni-opening Grimoire, or GOG for short. In the pages to follow, you will find innumerable methods for deactivating DRM, or, even better, bypassing it altogether..."

• While searching for the book, the tower's self defense mechanism will try and halt your progress. One section has you being attacked by an onslaught of alghouls. Then a gargoyle, a werewolf, and for some reason, a cow. It's not even an aggressive cow.
• And in the end, after rescuing a trapped mage and stopping the, ahem, DRM, the mage kindly teleports you out of the tower. Into the sea. Luckily it's near a harbor, so you don't have to swim far.

A few random encounters have this immensely. Wandering around Novigrad's warehouses near the southern walls Geralt may come across something that makes his Chronic Hero Syndrome twitch uncontrollably. Stepping in to prevent a street walker being attacked by an angry thug, Geralt can accidentally ruin a sexual roleplay session between lovers. The highlight is the man dropping his vicious thug act to stare at his wife in confusion before asking if Geralt is part of the scenario.

A note at the door of Oxenfurt University says the university is closed as all the students have been conscripted into the Redanian army. The only exception are students of medicine, who have been drafted as field medics, and students of philosophy, because they aren't useful for anything.

• Another note on the Oxenfurt bulletin board contains "praise" for King Radovid — in actuality, a Stealth Insult (a Latin quote from Catullus, literally meaning "fuck you ass-to-mouth").
• During one quest you can find a group of students of Professor Friedrich who are vandalizing roadside shrines because "the gods are dead", and try to beat up Geralt in a fistfight.
  • Geralt tells the students to leave the shrines alone or he'll go get the lady from the Dean's office. The students immediately accuse him of being oppressive. Anyone who'd ever attended a Polish university likely snickered and squirmed at the same time.

In the quest, "Witcher Wannabe", you have the option to cover for a man who was pretending to be a Witcher in a village and you just saved from a ghoul. One of the "cover" options you can select is stating that he is indeed a witcher, but that if a Witcher "needs a brother's help to kill a monster" he has to work for a year as a base laborer for the village ealdorman who had hired him for free. To add injury to the insult, then the following exchange takes place

Villager: Great! A witcher is surely strong enough to carry out the work of two men!

Geralt: Yeah. The work of two men... at the very least.

When Ciri is having trouble with training her Elder Blood powers, Avallac'h passes her off to Geralt to see if he can get her head on right. Geralt tells her that there is an ancient ritual Vesemir taught him for releasing your worries. Then he throws a snowball at her, and they have an adorable fight in the snow.

When Ciri needs to meet with the sorceresses, the better option is to tell her you trust her, and let her go in alone. Yennefer arrives, agrees with the decision... and promptly starts spying through the keyhole like a mother worried about her daughter's first date. She gives Geralt a running commentary, and when Ciri comes out she jumps back and utterly fails to look nonchalant.

Ciri: Were you... spying?
Yen: No.
Geralt: (simultaneously) Yes.

After getting the sunstone and when returning to Avallac'h, pause for a moment near the stern of the ship to hear a fun conversation with Margarita and Phillipa, with Fringilla looking on.

Margarita: I just realized... except for Ciri, you and me, Geralt has slept with every woman on this boat.

Phillipa: Don't worry. It's only a matter of time in your case.

During the quest "Contract: Dragon" on Skellige, you have to herd a sheep from the village to the dragon's nest in order to bait it out. Seeing how Geralt interacts with the sheep is pretty amusing to say the least.

Geralt: (in the most deadpan tone imaginable) How do you call a sheep...? Here, sheepy, sheepy? Hey sheep! C'mere. We got us a forktail to hunt. (after walking a bit with the sheep...) Giddyup, sheep. Move along, whoo-ah.

• Should the sheep manage to survive the fight with the dragon, Geralt tells it, completely deadpan:

  Geralt: Go on, sheep. Go and frolic. You've earned it.

• And if the sheep perishes...

  Geralt: You died for a good cause, sheep. Rest in peace.

Whoreson Junior's priceless reaction upon finding Geralt in his room.

Whoreson Junior: What the sandwich fuck is this? *Gets punched by Geralt*

Before getting the sunstone, Avallac'h makes a vague reference to its origin... and then expresses disappointment that nobody's heard the legend. One of the dialogue options is an incredibly sarcastic, "go on, tell us, I just love elven legends!" Avallac'h then jumps in to the story, only to be cut off by Ciri:

Ciri: Avallac'h, I think Geralt was jesting.

Avallac'h: Too late! (Goes on to tell the rest of the story anyway)

Keira Metz is rather amusing, should she return for the Battle of Kaer Morhen. While every single other person in the castle is preparing for battle or overseeing the defenses, Keira is seated in the Main Hall in front of an illusion of a mirror and wardrobe, putting on makeup. Geralt can even attempt to use the Eye of Nehaleni to dispel the illusion.

Keira: Leave my dresser alone!

A very subtle one which occurs throughout the game's story. Early on, in White Orchard, while discussing the contract on the griffin, Geralt complains about the smell of the bait they'll be using. Vesemir ribs Geralt by mentioning a contract to hunt a zeugl in a Tretogorian trash heap that left him scrubbing himself for half a day. Geralt, annoyed, asks if Vesemir going to keep bringing that one up, but afterwards Geralt himself mentions that traumatic hunt for the zeugl no less than four or five times throughout various quests to different people, mostly as a benchmark for how disgusting a contract or quest is going to be.

A meta example: PCGamer became infamous enough for using images of Geralt in the bathtub for their Witcher 3 articles that CD Projekt decided to send them a custom statue of bathtub Geralt...who also has a rubber duck and an issue of PCGamer magazine with him.

In Fool's Gold Geralt comes across a village where everyone save for the village idiot was turned into pigs because of a curse. This leads to two wondrous moments: Geralt having a conversation with a pig ("Squeal once for yes, two for no") -– during which said pig's butt occupies a half of your screen whenever it's your turn to talk -– and then the silliest escort mission ever: leading a herd of 9 pigs along a road.

While Vesemir is examining Uma after Geralt brings the little potato to Kaer Morhen, Geralt can join in. Geralt can, on a lark, ask a complex metaphysical question to Uma, which prompts Uma to go on the longest-winded speech of Uma-ism he ever has.

Uma: Umaumaumauma mauma eme eme eme eme.

Geralt: Mhm. So do I.

In the quest "Shock Therapy" Geralt is tasked into restoring the voice of a mute druid. What's the first thing that comes to his mind? Scare him by making a lot of noise once he goes to sleep. When that fails Geralt can initiate a "conversation" with the man, he starts asking if he's the mute druid, which the druid "answers" with a pissed glare at Geralt, who then answers in a weirdly sheepish way "Oh yeah, Dumb question."

• One of the options has Geralt asking him if he can answer by signalizing with his hands when he lost his voice, how he does that? Flipping Geralt off.
  • Naturally, it turns out that Geralt was hired as a prank — the druid had actually taken a vow of silence.

Although the game is loaded with pop culture references, hearing a pair of the Baron's guards randomly talking about bringing out the gimp is particularly funny.

During a quest involving a werewolf, the option is given for the action to stop long enough for Geralt and Yenn to spend some time exchanging wolf puns.

During the battle at Kaer Morhen, if you recruited Hjalmarch beforehand, he may tackle a Wild Hunt warrior back into one of their portals, only to reappear a few seconds later through another portal and say "Skellige is colder than that!".

When Geralt and Ciri split up to take down the Crones and Imlerith, they decide who's going to go after Imlerith with Rock–Paper–Scissors. Ciri's frustrated little bounce after she loses the first round is nothing short of adorable.

Nothing more bizarre than talking to a ghost while taking a break.

Nearly everything Possessed Geralt does during the wedding in Hearts of Stone. Seeing stoney-faced and stoic Geralt (and his voice actor, who is clearly enjoying himself immensely) turn into someone more like Zevran than anyone else is too hilarious to adequately put into words.

• The dead man, Vlodimir, is a nobleman/bandit with a boisterous demeanour and a fondness for grandiose declarations, in complete contrast to Geralt's usual gruff stoicism. He tries to hit on or start a fight with anything that moves — and he's doing all of it as Geralt. Some of his more un-Geralt-like moments, such as when he grabs a fence post and has a plank fight with some peasants, are priceless.

Geralt: Hot damn, boy! You don't have to ask me twice!

• At one point in the wedding, you have to follow the tracks of a dog that chased away a fire-eater who was supposed to perform at the wedding. When you find the man, he is up a tree, very drunk, fleeing the entirely ordinary dog (despite its kennel being big enough for a bear). The fire-eater is also easily spooked.

Fire-eater: (after being attacked by a boar) BEAR!

Vlodimir: (sounding annoyed) Right, as much as your cock is a tent pole.

Vlodimir:(after killing the boar) Tell me, are your bears always boar-shaped?

Fire-eater: Hey! I'm a fire eater, not a naturalist!

• And then comes the punch-line: Geralt asks the Fire-eater his name. He tells Geralt it's David Artensborrow.
• Even the animations change. When not moving, Geralt usually stands in a loose, ready stance. Vlodimir stands much more dramatically, with his head high, his chest thrust out, and his hands on his hips.
  • Standing near the band causes Geralt to burst into a jig that puts even Commander Shephard to shame.

After the wedding, you get the chance to have a romantic moment with Shani. When she gets upset, you get the choice to find something to cheer her up, including a bottle of wine for Geralt and Shani to share. But as Geralt and Shani are mid-coitus, the booze causes Shani to puke into the lake that ruins the moment.

If you choose to loot the von Everec crypt after summoning Vlodimir's ghost, he'll get angry and demand that you stop. Geralt will reply with a very uncharacteristic pettiness.

Vlodimir: Are you a witcher or a scavenger? Hands off the family heirlooms!

Geralt: Shut up. I do what I want.

After going through all the trouble to steal Borsodi's house, you finally arrive to the vault where the ornamental house is being kept. You walk up to the house and press the button to interact with it, and a cutscene begins with Geralt extinguishing the surrounding candles, prompting him to say "Damn candles..." in exasperation. This can be seen as Self-Deprecation towards the game's reviled candles mechanics.

One possible fate for Olgierd in Hearts of Stone, if one likes Black Humor: when he realizes that he has fulfilled the conditions of the contract and its terms will be invoked. The man, who has spent the entirety of the DLC thus far in a state of unflappable self-absorption and conceit, losing it and grasping at straws can be more than a bit cathartic.

One of the new Guarded Treasure locations has a mage attempting to raise Harpies as part of his "Wunderwaffe" regiment for the Redanians. Even when they were chicks, they had a habit of devouring the fingers of those feeding them rather than just the food.

The Ass Ears you can get from losing the Gwent game. Guests of the wedding will comment on them and insult Vlodimir/Geralt every time they see them, and you can KEEP them and wear them for the rest of the game.

• Should you care to look for it, it is possible to find a diagram that combines the Ass Ears and the Professor's Spectacles (formerly belonging to the assassin from The Witcher). With these in hand, you can craft... the Concealment Kit.

In Blood And Wine, you get hit with a doozy of a literary shout out. Your first sight in Toussant is of a knight charging at a windmill...or rather, at the giant that crashes through the windmill. Then you look at your map and see that the place is titled 'Dulcinea Windmill'. If none of that strikes you as funny, try brushing up on knightly stories.

• It also happens soon after this exchange:

  Geralt: To me, place always seemed straight-out of a fairy tale. Knights-errant, elven palaces…

While on the trail of the Beast, Geralt is led to a bootblack, who wants a bit of coin to trigger his memory. The 500 crown quote leaves Geralt visibly shocked before he protests about what the hell a shoe-polisher would do with that much money, and you then have to haggle down for the first time in the game.

• Visiting him later shows that he did upgrade his stand as a result, too.

Likewise, in Blood & Wine, at one point you can end up in an illusionary world made up of various famous fairy tales. There are many encounters to be had, but the kicker has to be if the player accidentally steps on Thumbelina. The way Geralt tries to surreptitiously scrape her off his boot is absolutely hilarious if you're at all inclined to Black Comedy.

• Also, Emir gets a cameo as the King With No Clothes. You may ROFL now.
• Also present is a notice-board like in any other town, but one of the notices is the father duck offering to hire someone to investigate his wife's possible affair.
• In the same town is the Little Flint Girl. But nobody was buying flint, so now she sells tobacco, alcohol and fisstech.

Another sidequest in Blood and Wine has you take a brew in order to solve it. The side effect is that it causes animals to talk. Including Roach. And also a Jamaican cat. Cat aside, Roach proves to be an adept investigator and tracker, much like her rider. And the banter between the horse and the witcher is nothing less than hilarious. There are hints of heartwarming as well, as the mare shows loyalty towards her rider and Geralt laments at the end that he won't be able to hear Roach speak anymore. That, and Roach has a voice of a man despite being a mare. When Geralt asks why, Roach counters by saying that she's probably the first talking animal Geralt has ever met, so he's in no place to make judgements.

Roach: (running and panting) Let's not lose sight of that umbra. Can you see it now?

Geralt: Yeah, it's right there. Run, Roach!

Roach: What the fuck do you think I'm doing?!

A little later...

Geralt: Long as we are being candid, I gotta ask. Why do you sometimes buck me off in the middle of a fight?

Roach: First I've heard. Don't recall that ever happening.

Geralt: 'Course you don't.

A little earlier...

Jamaican Cat: (with strong and inexplicable Jamaican accent) Leave me alone, darnit.

Jamaican Cat: (when Geralt tries to talk a second time) Clever man, is that it? Bog off!

• Geralt also asks Roach why she's always there when he whistles, even when he's left her across the ocean. ("You're my human. Gotta be there when you need me.") And if she's that powerful, why she gets stuck on small fences all the time. ("Everyone's got limits.")

One sidequest features Geralt helping a quest giver who wishes to use a camera to capture images of wildlife. At the end of the quest, Geralt is offered a chance to view an exhibition of the pictures captured; one of them is a selfie of the quest giver, complete with ducklips. Doubly impressive since the camera used is one he wears on his own head.

The quest "Paperchase" involves a savings account, set up in Geralt's name after he never collected on a contract. One problem, though: he's been declared legally dead. Bureaucracy ensues as Geralt goes back and forth trying to chase a trail of unspoken rules and permit forms. Even better, he finally gets an answer by showing the manager his royal summons. It's rather nice to be the one giving orders for a change. Of course, the bank froze the account and spent everything, and the manager now needs some time to call in favors to wrangle up the funds to pay out.

• The mere thought of Geralt of Rivia, Witcher extraordinaire, having to deal with typical bank paperwork and bureaucracy is hilarious in itself. It's no wonder a lot of people decides to kill the guards in retaliation upon realizing all the money was spent.

In the quest "Till Death Do You Part," Geralt is investigating disturbing noises coming from a crypt. Instead of monsters or grave robbers, he finds the noise is being caused by a pair of ghosts, specifically an old married couple who are still arguing with each other even past death. They each ask Geralt to move the other's urn out of the crypt. Each feels entitled to stay; the crypt is in the husband's family name, but the wife's dowry is what enabled him to purchase it back from the creditors in the first place. If Geralt chooses to move the husband's, his ghost appears again to request a new resting place. After Geralt leaves, the ghost lingers for a minute to survey the crypt one last time. Then he looks upon his wife's urn, destined to remain in the crypt, and wordlessly flips it off before disappearing.

• It's worth noting that this is one of the very few times Geralt shouts in sheer frustration as while he's an extraordinary monster hunter and can waiting for hours until his prey shows up, he has absolutely no patience for petty marital bickering.

After the tourney, you can find a letter in Sir Horm's tent informing him of the grim news of Emperor Emhyr's death. The letter is signed by his four brothers, Orm, Gorm, Torm... and Gonzalez.

• Best part is: they're mentioned in the books.

One sidequest has an artist beg Geralt to pose for a painting, leading to a few misadventures before the piece is completed — regardless of the pose, Geralt is depicted buck naked while holding a censoring ribbon in that pose. What's more, the journal implies that he found the portrait flattering, despite the lack of clothes.

• Speaking of naked people, it turns out that one of Toussaint's legendary forefathers has a huge statue of himself in a museum in Beauclair. Except, the man was famous for his legendary sexual exploits, so the statue is nude but for a leaf. Geralt can at one point be hired to find out who stole the statue's... accessories.
• In a similar vein, at one point during the main quest line you run into an artist painting a nude woman's portrait. Anna Henrietta (who is accompanying you incognito) recognizes the artist as one she tried to hire to paint her own portrait. The artist says that the chamberlain turned him away after learning he only paints nudes, as to even ask would offend the Duchess. Anna Henrietta's response? "I think... you may still get your chance."
• Basically, suffice it say nudity is very popular in Toussaint.

Remember the crappy breastplate that Fergus made back in the "Master Armorers" quest? You can find a random knight wearing it in Touissant. ◊

Geralt can make a "special request" at the brothel in Touissant. His request for the madam? A round of Gwent.

If you were able to get Vivienne to transfer the curse to Guillaume, you'll meet them again together again, engaging in some typical lighthearted bickering. When Geralt asks if there's any changes, Guillaume will sheepishly confess that "I've grown some feathers...well, down to be precise." Vivienne then cheerfully admits that she likes it, before the couple share a knowing look.

One gravestone you can find is for Sir Conan of Braye End, who apparently died of over-titillation when witnessing someone having sex on a unicorn.

One of the Toussaint fistfights turns out to be a 'Battle of the Wits', with Geralt dropping some harsh rhymes.

• One of the 'wrong' dialogue choices is a Yo Mamma... diss, that Geralt doesn't really sell:

Geralt: ...Guess you'd know, since your mom's a bitch!

Paying a bit of attention to Toussaint's dialect, one notices that their cursing tends to take a Ned Flanders-esque direction, such as replacing "fucker" with "diddler", resulting in gems like "Bungdiddlers" being unironically used by pissed off and scared civillians and knights.

gasparsumate.blogspot.com

Source: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/TheWitcher3WildHunt

Share this post